Monday, April 29, 2013

Coping

***This post was written on 4/25/13***

What a day! I am drained - emotionally exhausted and am pretty certain that I am going to sleep like a rock tonight.

I wasn't nervous leading up to today. We have already talked to one oncologist and he gave us favorable news. I've already had a PET scan and the nurse said that things looked good - the cancer isn't in my lymph nodes and seems to be localized to my cervix. So...why should I be nervous?

Then we walked into the Sealy Cancer Clinic at UT Southwestern...and I was nervous. The waiting room was full. Full of people with scarves on their heads. Full of people a lot older than me. Full of people with ports and such waiting for their chemo and radiation treatments. Full of sick people...like really sick people...people with cancer. I wanted to run out the door. I sat there waiting for my name to be called and told myself over and over to just take deep breaths and relax. So much easier said than done.

Do I really have cancer? Is this all real? Seriously? As I sat there, I had anxiety fearing that this new doctor was going to tell me something different than I had already heard. I was scared she was going to tell me that the cancer was farther along than the other doctor thought...or that she felt it was more serious and needed to be treated more aggressively.

I realized in that moment that I had been hanging onto each and every piece of GOOD news...no matter the size...any and every glimmer of hope. All of the yucky stuff that doesn't necessarily sound good gets pushed aside and replaced with the better case scenario. That's how I cope. Because...it just feels better to be optimistic. So...I really hate having to replay everything over and over again. I don't want to be reminded of the worst case scenarios...I'm not going there.

So when the doctor wanted to talk about stages and the worst case scenario...I had a good old cry...ugly cry face and all and then immediately moved the conversation forward to what our next steps are. I'm having the cold knife cone next Wednesday, May 1st. I'm believing that the doctor will get all of the cancer with the procedure. I'm believing that I will be cancer free after the procedure. I'm believing that this little bump in the road will all be over and we will be back on our road to our perfect little life.

Say some prayers for my doctor - may she have steady hands and X-ray vision to successfully remove every last cell of cancer from my body on Wednesday. Say some prayers for my family - may they continue to be strong and hear the positive messages so that they may remind me of those things when I can't help but remember the negative things. Say some prayers for me - may I have peace - no anxiety - and good, plump veins so that the nurses don't have to search and dig (puke) when taking blood or putting in IVs - and may I also be strong and brave - no passing out - no complications - and a fast complete recovery. Thanks for keeping us on your prayer lists. XOXO

I saw this necklace on Instagram today and loved the message...I think I need one of these...

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