Monday, May 6, 2013

Bigger Battles

I'm off to Vegas...and not excited. Huh? Who isn't excited to go to Vegas? What a bummer! I've never been to Vegas and have always wanted to go, but now I find myself emotional and trying to muster up any and every ounce of positive energy in my body to get me there. I'm going for work...which is the first point of contention...and I'm going without Kevin, my mom or anyone else in my immediate circle...which is the second point of contention. Ugh...

When my surgery was scheduled so close to the trip, I thought my biggest hurdle to going was going to be my physical health, yet instead, I find my emotional health the issue. I think I might be in a slight depression as I just can't get excited about doing much of anything lately. The weather was so pretty all weekend long and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and snuggle with the family. The thought of going to a restaurant or to a movie or someone's house was exhausting...and the thought of doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher or organizing anything in my house just put me in an even worse mood. I hate feeling this way! I want some energy. I want to be happy! I want to get out and enjoy the weather and laugh. I want to be me again. I really wanted to soak in a hot bath last night and just be by myself for a little while...unfortunately I wasn't able to as the doctor ordered "no baths" for two weeks...which made for an even bitchier self last night.

Maybe this short trip to Vegas will jump start something inside of me and get me back to being me. I'm hoping that my work family will be in the mood to have some fun and help me kick this yuck. I'm also hoping that Dr. Kehoe doesn't call me while I'm here. I don't want to hear any news - good or bad. I don't want to talk about it or rehash the story with anyone. I just want to pretend like I don't have cancer for a couple of days...maybe forget about it completely. I'm tired of being on pins and needles...wondering and waiting. Is the cancer gone? Did she get it all? Am I done having to give blood and get IVs? I know that my situation is so much better than others...I know that I am going to live and be okay...I know, I know, I know...but there is still that little shred of doubt in the back of my mind. And honestly...giving blood and getting IVs for me could be the equivalent of getting chemo and radiation for others...I hate it that much! I feel bad saying that as I don't want to diminish the reality of chemo and radiation and how horrible that must be...but I'm just keeping it real...

The guy sitting next to me on the flight just told me that he is going to Vegas for two weeks. He is in the Air Force and said that he is going to be "blowing stuff up in the desert" while he is there. His wife couldn't join him because they have two small children at home and they didn't want to bring them along. So...there God goes again...reminding me that there are worse scenarios than mine. He has only given me as much as I can handle and this is only going to make me stronger in the long run. I could be the wife of this dude...a single mom for the next two weeks while my hubs is "blowing stuff up in the desert" and having the time of his life with his comrades when he isn't "blowing stuff up in the desert." I could be his wife...waiting for his next deployment...or I could be the wife of another military man who is currently deployed...waiting for him to come home...wondering if he will ever come home. Or, I guess I could be in the military like this guy...putting my life on the line for others' freedom. He would probably laugh in cancer's face...he has bigger battles to fight. Snap out of it, Traci! This life is too damn short and you're going to be ok...better than ok...

So...cheers to Vegas! I just bought TWO airplane size bottles of Chardonnay from the flight attendant - total of $28 cuz I'm a high roller like that...actually I'm just ready to get a buzz and relax and don't care how much the damn wine costs! Don't judge me...I'm going to Vegas...

On another note, Reagan and I made french toast for the first time together this morning. I let her crack the eggs and put them (and all of the egg shells) into the bowl. She poured the milk into the eggs, whisked them up and then sprinkled the cinnamon into the mixture. She seemed to have everything under control for the most part so I started to put the bacon into the pan...as I turned around to see how she was doing, I was mortified to see the fork she had been using to whisk in her mouth! Ewww! Really? Was she seriously just eating raw scrambled eggs? Yep...and she said that it tasted "great!" Ahh...this child! She makes me smile each and every day. What a blessing she is. And with that, a prayer...God - please protect her body - please keep salmonella poisoning away - please keep her healthy and happy and innocent forever and ever. Amen. The french toast was great and she made sure that we knew that she made it. All. By. Herself.

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